Parity, Thy Name is CPL

Ike Davis Saves the World

Imagine a world where the top scorer in the whole league had, nonetheless, a record of 2-6 after 8 weeks of the 2013 CPL Season. Imagine the man who owned that team was Javier. Just imagine that, let it marinate in your thinky-gland.

This was almost the reality we woke up to today on this fine Memorial Day. The only (or central) thing that a allowed us to avert that awful, bleak reality was a clutch base hit by the absolute worst player in all of Major League Baseball, Mr. Ike Davis. Davis's single gave the Metties the lead and precluded a Screaming Featherheads-defeating Kimbrel save.

Head-to-Head is the best format for fantasy baseball (and nearly all other activities in life). This is not debatable. I will fight a man in the street who says otherwise. But win-loss records that fail to reflect comparative team quality is the risk we take. It's the life we have chosen.

Alas, the highest point scorer is 3-5. Thankfully it's incredibly unlikely that the team with the most points would have the league's worst record. But not as unlikely as an Ike Davis base hit.

[Total aside: is it bad that I never once felt myself rooting for the Mets to win that game knowing that I needed a Kimbrel save to win? Is Memorial Day Weekend too early to abandon your real team for your fantasy team?]

Getting Rulesy: The RP Sub Rule is Tested

On or about Wednesday May 22, 2013 Ole' Bullshit attempted to sub out Rafael Betancourt and replace him with some fucking guy named Fujikawa. As Ole' owner Mike Fenn would explain, Betancourt was removed from the previous game after throwing 2 pitchers well short of the plate and was then scheduled to undergo an MRI.

The rules state, in relevant part:

"If a Owner has (i) a reasonable expectation that an RP is injured or otherwise will not be available to his MLB team to pitch, and (ii) a reasonable expectation that said RP will miss 2 or more games in the Scoring Period, then Owner can substitute him with another RP, provided that (x) said Owner shall be required to provide evidence confirming said reasonable expectations to the league.."
 

That's when Hunter Killer's (Ole's opponent) owner Walt Welsh swooped in to object. Citing the following quote from the player himself, Walt stated there was insufficient evidence Betancourt would miss 2 games:

"We will see what will come from tomorrow. We have Thursday off, and I hope it will be fine if I don't pitch those two days. If it was more serious I would tell you. If it was really bad I would tell you. But it's getting tight every time, and it's not easy to pitch like that..."
 

Always the gentleman, Fenn withdrew his attempted sub, but maintained that two ugly pitches and an MRI should satisfy the 2 game "reasonable expectation," especially since he was subbing out a closer for a set-up man. Disinterested league owners disagreed. The day was Walt's. Perhaps Fenn's point would have been stronger if not for the quote given by the player, and perhaps the rule is too strict.

Regardless, this dispute is hereby recorded as precedent because that's what happens when you start a fantasy baseball league with a bunch of douchey lawyers.

Winter Meetings!

From the Desk of the Commissioner:

Just a reminder that the winter meetings are six weeks from tomorrow--January 12th at Mohegan Sun, we have two rooms reserved for the night. Around New Years I'll send around a list of items and rules we need to discuss. I'll thinking that we all meet up upon arrival for a late lunch/early dinner and knock out the rule discussions and votes. Then we can get on with football watching, boozing and gamblin'. That Saturday will be the Divisional round of the playoffs with a 4:30pm game and a 8pm game. I can guarantee that if the Giants and Pats are still alive in that round, they will probably be playing in that primetime game which would be cool.

2010 Draft Highlights

Another year, another "Mike" championship.

Memorable Quotes from Draft '10:

- He's 37!
- He's 36.
- Ohhhhhhhh!

Standing up sex is a young man's game.

I'm looking forward to going to the strip house.

I'm probably gonna draft this guy from Nicaragua.

When June rolls around, you better get ready to do some dishes, cuz it's gonna be BJ time.

I'm going double Molina!!

These mashed potatoes are toolsy.

This guy's awesome.... defensively.

Draft '10: In the Books!

Owners gathered in Providence, RI this past weekend for the 2010 CPL Draft. A-rod was the first sticker slapped onto the board in a competitive and engaging draft, where he Bud Light flowed like water.

"It was a very strong draft. A lot of veteran names hung around until late rounds because everyone did their homework and had a clear strategy." Said Mike Fenn, owner of the Red Sox-laden Ole' Bullshit.

Owners were also happy with their teams, indivually. "Dude, I like my team, dude. Fucking BJ Upton, dude.... I love that guy!!" Said Hunter Killers owner, Walt Welsh, last year's runner-up, talking about his 6th round selection. "My team is kinda old-ballsy, and kinda young-ballsy." Said Fierce Deuce GM, Kevin Hadfield. "But they are deifnitely ballsy, and that's a big improvement. Just wait 'til I grab Jimmy Edmonds off the waiver wire!"

Even those less impressed with the quality of the draft had positive things to say about draft weekend, like Screaming Featherheads owner, Javier Flores. "Everyone else's picks sucked, and they can all kiss my balls. But that Lobster Mac at the Capital Grille was basically the best thing I've ever experienced, so all in all, this was a great draft."



Although the draft marks the official start to the season, owners ill still have to wait one more painful week before scores start updating.

Winter Meetings '09/'10

The CPL braintrust gathered in majestic Hartford, CT over this past weekend to hash out new rules, talk trades, eat chilli and drink beers. It was a very successful event on all fronts.

Minor changes were implemented to the Constitution, most notably a rule about making rules which requires a super-majority of 6 votes to institute any rule changes. The meetings were also highlighted by Fierce Deuce owner Kevin Hadfield's nutmeg chilli, Mike Oleyer's steak tips and a UConn football victory.

Additional Winter Meeting highlights:

"Who wears high-heels to a tailgate?"

"Let's play 'Catch the Coat-hanger'!"

-"'Jesus take the wheel?' That sounds like a bad idea."
-"I think it's a metaphor."

"October 14, 1988"

"Smashmortion"