Monday, August 26, 2013
2013: Season of Justice
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Give That Man a Show About Baseball!!
Yesterday, on the radio, Tony Maserotti (sp? who cares?) was singing the praises of Red Sox closer, Koji Uehara. 'Maz' listed the reliever's many truly impressive stats: his minuscule WHIP, his microscopic ERA, his 40+% strikeout rate...
But Maz said one stat towered above them all and was Uehara's "most impressive statistic." That stat was ZERO LOSSES.
But Maz said one stat towered above them all and was Uehara's "most impressive statistic." That stat was ZERO LOSSES.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Big Time Timmy-Jam!
Timmy Lincecum (or as he is commonly referred to by so many people, "Timmy Linky!" Right?) dropped 76 points in week 15 thanks to a two-start week, in which one said start was a pretty excellent no-no. Nice job, Timmy! Possibly a record for a pitcher? We can't be sure.
Of course Levy's season is still hanging on by a thread and Lincecum had to throw like 197 pitches to get there so he'll probably never be the same again, but it was a fun night for baseball!
(Though it can't be confirmed, rumors are that, while tossing the no-no, Lincecum was replaying key moments in his personal life in his mind and thinking about a lot about Kelly Preston.)
UPDATE: Levy's season is deader than immediate-future Amanda Bynes!
Of course Levy's season is still hanging on by a thread and Lincecum had to throw like 197 pitches to get there so he'll probably never be the same again, but it was a fun night for baseball!
(Though it can't be confirmed, rumors are that, while tossing the no-no, Lincecum was replaying key moments in his personal life in his mind and thinking about a lot about Kelly Preston.)
UPDATE: Levy's season is deader than immediate-future Amanda Bynes!
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Man-Crush: Z-Wheels!*
Zack Wheeler Mania!
OK, so his start wasn't that amazing (cool pitch-by-pitch breakdown), but there's a lot to build on right there, a "foundation," if you will. In a Mets season that could appropriately be the subject of a black and white movie directed by Darren Aronofsky (Ricky gets it), a bona fide highpoint becomes borderline euphoric. Dude's 4-seamer hit 98, with a hook of 77MPH!! I'll take the shit out of that!
*I am hereby coining this nickname, despite its obvious horridness.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Humbly Rounding the Bases > Being Talented at Baseball
There's really a lot wrong with this article by one John Delcos.
Mechanically, it's a fucking nightmare. It uses 3 paragraphs to make the very basic point of "No one should care about the Mets' Jordany Valdespin." Two of its first 5 paragraphs are, in their entirety, as follows: "Answer: There is no reason." and "Bottom line: They can lose with or without Valdespin."
Which brings me to another very weird and incredibly dumb piece of this article. Delcos keeps making this argument that the Mets are really bad, so Valdespin doesn't matter because they are bad with him or without him. But this argument obviously would apply the same to David Wright or Matt Harvey? "They can lose with or without [Harvey/Wright]."
Anyway, so Delcos really doesn't like Valdespin, who appears to be a pretty talented, toolsy youngster on the Mets. So what makes him not worth caring about? Well, his attitude. His attitude is "me-first." And, we all know that players with that type of attitude have never had successful major league careers, or contributed to good teams. (Except for Barry Bonds, and Reggie Jackson, and Wade Boggs, and Pete Rose.)
How do we know his attitude is so me-first-y? Well he preened and watched a home run in a game his team was losing badly. Once again, we need look no further than baseball history to learn that hot-doggish, me-first-y guys have never been great players - except for the fact that the biggest hot dog of all time, Ricky Henderson, was an absolutely dominant force on a baseball field and won like 3 World Series.
I've seen the play. It was hardly egregious but it was moderately dick-ish. I mean, Valdespin's a young player who hit an upper deck blast and wanted to have some fun admiring it. Not good etiquette. But hardly the end of the world. In fact, I seem to recall Ken Griffey Jr. (a forgettable nobody who never contributed anything) leisurely walking out of the box every single time he jacked one out.
Back to Valdespin, veterans and coaches should pull him aside and tell him to knock it off. Again, no biggie. I'd venture a conservative guess that 50% of players, early in their careers, crossed the invisible lines of baseball etiquette and had to be set straight.
Valdespin was indeed set straight, by his opponents. As the author of this hit-piece rushes to inform us, Valdespin was plunked by the Pirates as retaliation. But oh his reaction to getting hit!? It was horrible. He got mad and spiked his helmet. He could have injured a teammate! It could have "ricocheted and hit somebody in the eye!" This is unacceptable of course. You know this is so because Paul O'Neil who threw tantrums to rival a 3 year old girl , was widely decried and criticized and called awful names such as a ... "gamer" and "great competitor" and "true class act."
Now, if you are still not convinced that we should all maintain a posture of something hovering between indifference and dislike towards a talented young prospect, then John Delcos still has one more- oh wait, no. Nope, that's the whole thing. That's his entire case.
To recap: this young, talented player should be forgotten, written off and made to sit on the bench while some washed-up has been (like, who's the worst player you can think of, let's say Rick Ankiel! Remember him!? Just awful! Oh wait) gets his ABs, because he.. wait for it... watched a homer and got mad when he got plunked. Boom! Case closed!
This article is garbage on so many levels but it's also a kind of dog-whistle-y with the "NBA diva" comment and its overall tone.
Mechanically, it's a fucking nightmare. It uses 3 paragraphs to make the very basic point of "No one should care about the Mets' Jordany Valdespin." Two of its first 5 paragraphs are, in their entirety, as follows: "Answer: There is no reason." and "Bottom line: They can lose with or without Valdespin."
Which brings me to another very weird and incredibly dumb piece of this article. Delcos keeps making this argument that the Mets are really bad, so Valdespin doesn't matter because they are bad with him or without him. But this argument obviously would apply the same to David Wright or Matt Harvey? "They can lose with or without [Harvey/Wright]."
Anyway, so Delcos really doesn't like Valdespin, who appears to be a pretty talented, toolsy youngster on the Mets. So what makes him not worth caring about? Well, his attitude. His attitude is "me-first." And, we all know that players with that type of attitude have never had successful major league careers, or contributed to good teams. (Except for Barry Bonds, and Reggie Jackson, and Wade Boggs, and Pete Rose.)
How do we know his attitude is so me-first-y? Well he preened and watched a home run in a game his team was losing badly. Once again, we need look no further than baseball history to learn that hot-doggish, me-first-y guys have never been great players - except for the fact that the biggest hot dog of all time, Ricky Henderson, was an absolutely dominant force on a baseball field and won like 3 World Series.
I've seen the play. It was hardly egregious but it was moderately dick-ish. I mean, Valdespin's a young player who hit an upper deck blast and wanted to have some fun admiring it. Not good etiquette. But hardly the end of the world. In fact, I seem to recall Ken Griffey Jr. (a forgettable nobody who never contributed anything) leisurely walking out of the box every single time he jacked one out.
Back to Valdespin, veterans and coaches should pull him aside and tell him to knock it off. Again, no biggie. I'd venture a conservative guess that 50% of players, early in their careers, crossed the invisible lines of baseball etiquette and had to be set straight.
Valdespin was indeed set straight, by his opponents. As the author of this hit-piece rushes to inform us, Valdespin was plunked by the Pirates as retaliation. But oh his reaction to getting hit!? It was horrible. He got mad and spiked his helmet. He could have injured a teammate! It could have "ricocheted and hit somebody in the eye!" This is unacceptable of course. You know this is so because Paul O'Neil who threw tantrums to rival a 3 year old girl , was widely decried and criticized and called awful names such as a ... "gamer" and "great competitor" and "true class act."
Now, if you are still not convinced that we should all maintain a posture of something hovering between indifference and dislike towards a talented young prospect, then John Delcos still has one more- oh wait, no. Nope, that's the whole thing. That's his entire case.
To recap: this young, talented player should be forgotten, written off and made to sit on the bench while some washed-up has been (like, who's the worst player you can think of, let's say Rick Ankiel! Remember him!? Just awful! Oh wait) gets his ABs, because he.. wait for it... watched a homer and got mad when he got plunked. Boom! Case closed!
This article is garbage on so many levels but it's also a kind of dog-whistle-y with the "NBA diva" comment and its overall tone.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
168.17
Possibly a record, CNDM scored 168.17 points on Memorial Day 2013. CNDM's hitters went 20-49 with 4 dingers and Justin Verlander and Jeff Samarshsjk!jwa combined for over 70 points.
Not a good start to the week for the Deuce.
Not a good start to the week for the Deuce.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Ike Davis Saves the World
Imagine a world where the top scorer in the whole league had, nonetheless, a record of 2-6 after 8 weeks of the 2013 CPL Season. Imagine the man who owned that team was Javier. Just imagine that, let it marinate in your thinky-gland.
This was almost the reality we woke up to today on this fine Memorial Day. The only (or central) thing that a allowed us to avert that awful, bleak reality was a clutch base hit by the absolute worst player in all of Major League Baseball, Mr. Ike Davis. Davis's single gave the Metties the lead and precluded a Screaming Featherheads-defeating Kimbrel save.
Head-to-Head is the best format for fantasy baseball (and nearly all other activities in life). This is not debatable. I will fight a man in the street who says otherwise. But win-loss records that fail to reflect comparative team quality is the risk we take. It's the life we have chosen.
Alas, the highest point scorer is 3-5. Thankfully it's incredibly unlikely that the team with the most points would have the league's worst record. But not as unlikely as an Ike Davis base hit.
[Total aside: is it bad that I never once felt myself rooting for the Mets to win that game knowing that I needed a Kimbrel save to win? Is Memorial Day Weekend too early to abandon your real team for your fantasy team?]
This was almost the reality we woke up to today on this fine Memorial Day. The only (or central) thing that a allowed us to avert that awful, bleak reality was a clutch base hit by the absolute worst player in all of Major League Baseball, Mr. Ike Davis. Davis's single gave the Metties the lead and precluded a Screaming Featherheads-defeating Kimbrel save.
Head-to-Head is the best format for fantasy baseball (and nearly all other activities in life). This is not debatable. I will fight a man in the street who says otherwise. But win-loss records that fail to reflect comparative team quality is the risk we take. It's the life we have chosen.
Alas, the highest point scorer is 3-5. Thankfully it's incredibly unlikely that the team with the most points would have the league's worst record. But not as unlikely as an Ike Davis base hit.
[Total aside: is it bad that I never once felt myself rooting for the Mets to win that game knowing that I needed a Kimbrel save to win? Is Memorial Day Weekend too early to abandon your real team for your fantasy team?]
Friday, May 24, 2013
Getting Rulesy: The RP Sub Rule is Tested
On or about Wednesday May 22, 2013 Ole' Bullshit attempted to sub out Rafael Betancourt and replace him with some fucking guy named Fujikawa. As Ole' owner Mike Fenn would explain, Betancourt was removed from the previous game after throwing 2 pitchers well short of the plate and was then scheduled to undergo an MRI.
The rules state, in relevant part:
Regardless, this dispute is hereby recorded as precedent because that's what happens when you start a fantasy baseball league with a bunch of douchey lawyers.
The rules state, in relevant part:
"If a Owner has (i) a reasonable expectation that an RP is injured or otherwise will not be available to his MLB team to pitch, and (ii) a reasonable expectation that said RP will miss 2 or more games in the Scoring Period, then Owner can substitute him with another RP, provided that (x) said Owner shall be required to provide evidence confirming said reasonable expectations to the league.."That's when Hunter Killer's (Ole's opponent) owner Walt Welsh swooped in to object. Citing the following quote from the player himself, Walt stated there was insufficient evidence Betancourt would miss 2 games:
"We will see what will come from tomorrow. We have Thursday off, and I hope it will be fine if I don't pitch those two days. If it was more serious I would tell you. If it was really bad I would tell you. But it's getting tight every time, and it's not easy to pitch like that..."Always the gentleman, Fenn withdrew his attempted sub, but maintained that two ugly pitches and an MRI should satisfy the 2 game "reasonable expectation," especially since he was subbing out a closer for a set-up man. Disinterested league owners disagreed. The day was Walt's. Perhaps Fenn's point would have been stronger if not for the quote given by the player, and perhaps the rule is too strict.
Regardless, this dispute is hereby recorded as precedent because that's what happens when you start a fantasy baseball league with a bunch of douchey lawyers.
Monday, April 22, 2013
"You Don't Fucking Go!"
I've seen the Patton Oswalt Star Wars thing and that was unbelievable, and genius, but this is just deep fried gold wrapped in bacon. Behold: http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelhorner/michael-shannon-reads-the-insane-sorority-letter
I knew the guy who played Agent Van Alden would go on to big things!
I knew the guy who played Agent Van Alden would go on to big things!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
MANHUNT! Boston Police Close City!! A Milliont People Impacted!!! Screaming Featherheads lose 2 Starts!!!!
To be fair, it is pretty bad luck when the you have both the pitchers that got bumped.Javier F(Fri 4/19 3:54PM): I love the fact that his manhunt is going to cost me TWO FUCKING STARTS and kill any chance I had of winning this week. Unbelievable.
UPDATE: Thanks to a double-header, TSH did regain one of those starts.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
This Man Hates Baseball (and Kirby Pucket and Freedom)!
Here's a throw-away article about each MLB team appearing in various movies (cuz the Oscars or something). But, when it gets to the Twins, it goes from forgettable to a full-on atrocity with this line:
The sentiment of this paragraph is so objectively wrong and self-defeating I am genuinely wondering whether the author believes GoBots was a better cartoon/toy franchise than Transformers. That might just make more sense. In fact, contrasting LBL to RoY should be the go to analogy anytime anyone wishes to compare two categorically similar yet completely qualitatively different things. ("Looks like you brought Rookie of the Year to a Little Big League fight.")
Rookie of the Year is also just such a terrible movie on its own. (GoBots was at least half-decent robots-that-become-vehicles children's programming.) Who wants to watch it even a second time? It makes a mockery of the game with the worst baseball scenes ever put on film. The "bad guy" is the big cross-eyed dude from Revenge of the Nerds. In Little Big League, it's (sort of) Ken Griffey Jr. In LBL, the kid is a FAR better actor (no squeaky voice), and there's no Gary fucking Busey.
This writer is apparently auditioning for a spot in the BBWAA.
We'll be honest: We've seen "Rookie of the Year" 20 or so times. Little Big League? Zero. Transformers and Go-Bots as far as we're concerned.
The sentiment of this paragraph is so objectively wrong and self-defeating I am genuinely wondering whether the author believes GoBots was a better cartoon/toy franchise than Transformers. That might just make more sense. In fact, contrasting LBL to RoY should be the go to analogy anytime anyone wishes to compare two categorically similar yet completely qualitatively different things. ("Looks like you brought Rookie of the Year to a Little Big League fight.")
Rookie of the Year is also just such a terrible movie on its own. (GoBots was at least half-decent robots-that-become-vehicles children's programming.) Who wants to watch it even a second time? It makes a mockery of the game with the worst baseball scenes ever put on film. The "bad guy" is the big cross-eyed dude from Revenge of the Nerds. In Little Big League, it's (sort of) Ken Griffey Jr. In LBL, the kid is a FAR better actor (no squeaky voice), and there's no Gary fucking Busey.
This writer is apparently auditioning for a spot in the BBWAA.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Mediocrity is my Life Force!!
Apparently, nothing says "Hey! Please come up to me and say 'Really? OK, I respect that, I respect that...'" like wearing a Mets T-shirt.
Wearing a Yankees hat/Jersey/bust of Jeter's balls on a chain pretty much anywhere in Boston, other than Fenway Park when the Yankees are in town (and even then), is a serious dick move. You are telling the rest of the world that you are prepared for confrontation up to and including fisticuffs.
Wearing a Mets hat/Jersey/paper bag mask anywhere in the entire United States is a thinly veiled request for sympathy, and an invitation to get mugged. It's slightly better than wearing a T-shirt that says "I'm from Buffalo..."
Wearing a Yankees hat/Jersey/bust of Jeter's balls on a chain pretty much anywhere in Boston, other than Fenway Park when the Yankees are in town (and even then), is a serious dick move. You are telling the rest of the world that you are prepared for confrontation up to and including fisticuffs.
Wearing a Mets hat/Jersey/paper bag mask anywhere in the entire United States is a thinly veiled request for sympathy, and an invitation to get mugged. It's slightly better than wearing a T-shirt that says "I'm from Buffalo..."
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
This Proves Nothing!
Correlation is not causation.
But eating 6,000 calorie burgers every day including Christmas and dying of a heart attack at the bus stop? We can safely say Causation.
This man went out on his own terms though, and in his honor, I am twice as determined to have a meal at that place, one day. ONE day.
But eating 6,000 calorie burgers every day including Christmas and dying of a heart attack at the bus stop? We can safely say Causation.
This man went out on his own terms though, and in his honor, I am twice as determined to have a meal at that place, one day. ONE day.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Pitchers and Catchers...
.. In 8 days or something? An effing ETERNITY!!
Fun Super Bowl though. Harbaughs, Ray Lewis, yada yada I won $480 in my year-long squares pool by nailing that 7-3 first quarter, bitches!
I'm sorry I missed the silver lining in a Ravens win until the game was over: Pats fans HATE the Ravens, and god do they despise Ray Lewis. If Lewis' family was eaten by alligators there'd probably be a pep Rally at Foxboro with a live performance from Bon Jovi.
Relatedly, Pats fans are really convinced that Lewis personally stabbed like 7 people. They compare his accepting a misdemeanor plea offer with probation to OJs acquittal for murder. This is like comparing the "theory" of creationism with the theory of gravity, as far as supporting evidence goes. And, they seem to get all family values that Lewis has a bunch of kids with a handful of women (note: a bunch > a handful). What a bunch of prudes. (The Golden boy has 2 kids by 2 women which is a worse ratio than Lewis, but it's cool cuz ... He married someone? Who knows?)
Welcome to sports Siberia for the next 6 weeks. Thank god hockey is back.
By the way: did you guys know that the first two picks in Baltimore Ravens history were Jonathan Ogden and Ray Lewis. Good scouting!
Fun Super Bowl though. Harbaughs, Ray Lewis, yada yada I won $480 in my year-long squares pool by nailing that 7-3 first quarter, bitches!
I'm sorry I missed the silver lining in a Ravens win until the game was over: Pats fans HATE the Ravens, and god do they despise Ray Lewis. If Lewis' family was eaten by alligators there'd probably be a pep Rally at Foxboro with a live performance from Bon Jovi.
Relatedly, Pats fans are really convinced that Lewis personally stabbed like 7 people. They compare his accepting a misdemeanor plea offer with probation to OJs acquittal for murder. This is like comparing the "theory" of creationism with the theory of gravity, as far as supporting evidence goes. And, they seem to get all family values that Lewis has a bunch of kids with a handful of women (note: a bunch > a handful). What a bunch of prudes. (The Golden boy has 2 kids by 2 women which is a worse ratio than Lewis, but it's cool cuz ... He married someone? Who knows?)
Welcome to sports Siberia for the next 6 weeks. Thank god hockey is back.
By the way: did you guys know that the first two picks in Baltimore Ravens history were Jonathan Ogden and Ray Lewis. Good scouting!
Friday, January 25, 2013
Now, When You Say "Brothers" ....?
I'd like to think the Braves set out to aquire both Upton brothers from the start, rather than them just making two deals to aquire talented players who happen to be brothers. It's be a lot cooler if they did. But, either way, way to go Braves! I'd support a rule that requires brothers to always be on the same baseball team in the rare instance that a pair are established major leaguers. Brothers playing baseball.... together... because America!
(There should also be the "Griffey Rule" that requires the same for father-son combos AND gives the dad a free walk he can cash in at any time during the game, and a free hot dog!)
Will the Uptons have career seasons thanks to brother-power? Will they bat 2-3 in the lineup? How will their multi-step handshake go (holy shit, the possibilities!!)? And, finally, when is the DMX comeback album dropping?
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Stay Forever, Tony Romo!
Taking a look at the Cowboys Wikipedia page, it appears Tony Romo has now played in 3 week 17 de facto playoff games (win and you're in the playoffs, lose and you go home), one against each NFC East rival, and he's lost them all. (He did beat the Eagles in a game for the division title in 2009, but the Eagles also made the playoffs, so credit for that.) He's also played in 4 playoff games and lost 3.
Not a good track record, but that final nut-punch interception against the Redskins was one of the worst throws I've ever seen. I think I could almost hear all of North Texas yelling "NO!" as he cocked his arm. I almost feel bad for the guy.
On a positive note, as a Giants fan I'm pretty excited Tony Romo isn't going anywhere, and neither is Jason Garret. Those guys should get a buddy cop show, where each week they try to figure out new and interesting ways to lose NFL games with stupid interceptions, terrible clock management, dropping the snap on field goals. William Shatner could play the police captain/Jerry Jones role. I'd watch that.
Not a good track record, but that final nut-punch interception against the Redskins was one of the worst throws I've ever seen. I think I could almost hear all of North Texas yelling "NO!" as he cocked his arm. I almost feel bad for the guy.
On a positive note, as a Giants fan I'm pretty excited Tony Romo isn't going anywhere, and neither is Jason Garret. Those guys should get a buddy cop show, where each week they try to figure out new and interesting ways to lose NFL games with stupid interceptions, terrible clock management, dropping the snap on field goals. William Shatner could play the police captain/Jerry Jones role. I'd watch that.
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